If you are reading this, and therapy hasn’t worked for you in the past, or you are hesitant to start therapy because you aren’t sure if it is the right option for you, this information is for you.
I first want to say – this blog post is not a replacement for therapy nor is this therapeutic advice. This is simply information to consider when making a decision on if you’d like to try therapy or pursue therapy again. Please consult individually with a professional to discuss your own unique goals and concerns for therapy.
I have heard from clients before that therapy hasn’t worked for them, or that they didn’t want to try therapy because they didn’t think it would work. Therapy isn’t the end all, be all of healing – and maybe isn’t the perfect fit for everyone – and that is a-okay! That doesn’t mean something is wrong with you if therapy didn’t work out, or if you need other kinds of support. Therapy is just one of many options when it comes to healing and working on your mental health and wellbeing. Therapy can be a super useful, helpful tool and strategy in the healing process, and it is helpful to name ways that you can really get the most of our of your therapy experience.
1. Prioritize goodness of fit.
As I often say in the first therapy session, therapy is 90% a relationship and 10% everything else. The premise of therapy working is that you build a safe, respectful relationship with the clinician you are working with – one who your trust, and one you can be honest and open with about important concerns and topics in your life. If you don’t feel like you can trust your therapist, or you are often not being truthful or transparent about things, therapy will be minimally effective. Therapists will never judge you nor shame you if you decide that you need to meet with someone new – we WANT you to find a good fit because we know the importance of that relationship (:
2. Have some clarity on what you’d like to see improve.
Therapy is a collaborative experience, so it is super helpful for clients to have some sort of idea or clarity into what they’d like to see get better in their lives. With this information, it gives therapy a direction, and it can be extremely helpful when it comes to seeing the improvement you are looking for. You also will be setting goals in therapy, and therapists can help you create these goals once they have an idea of what improvements you’d like to focus on.
3. Therapy doesn’t just exist in that 55 minute timeframe.
Therapy is an experience that exists outside of the office space. Clients will often be encouraged to reflect, journal, practice, role-play, and engage in activities, skills, and “homework” outside of meeting with their therapist. This is an important part of therapy, and honestly this is sometimes where clients will reflect that therapy wasn’t helpful for them. If you aren’t implementing change outside of the therapy space, things then aren’t really changing. That’s why this is so important. It also can be helpful to take notes during or right after therapy. You may talk about a lot during your time, and it can be helpful to have a spot to reflect back on when you are thinking about things or practicing a new skill.
4. Hold space for the uncomfortable and the challenging.
Therapy is hard. Therapy can be triggering. Therapy can sometimes make things worse before things get better. It can be uncomfortable to build awareness into our past and present lives, to be insightful into the things that haven’t worked or may be maladaptive. Your therapist will be there with you, to support you and sit in the uncomfortableness with you. It is a brave and vulnerable thing to be in therapy, and I encourage you to give yourself a little hug or a pat on the back. Scheduling that first appointment can be one of the biggest hurdles. Just know and trust that you can do hard things.
As the creator of Dialectical Behavioral Therapy says:
“Acceptance can transform but if you accept in order to transform, it is not acceptance. It is like loving. Love seeks no reward but when given freely comes back a hundredfold. He who loses his life finds it. He who accepts, changes.”
― Marsha M. Linehan
5. Reflect back to your therapist.
Therapists reflect to their clients, but it is helpful to also reflect back to your therapist. Let them know what is working, what isn’t working. Let them know when you want to change something up. Let them know if a topic is really important and you’d like to stay with it instead of switch to a new one. Let them know if they are talking too much or if you’d like them to talk less. Let them know what you need, even if you aren’t clear what they may be, but you are having a feeling about something. I always encourage clients to be reflective back, because then I can continue to support them in the way they feel most supported. That’s what makes therapy so effective – collaborative respect and reciprocal processing.
I hope this gives you some things to ponder on and take back to your therapist, or into your therapy experience. Therapy is more than chit-chatting, and I think it’s super helpful to know that before going into it. It takes work, and the work can be so dang rewarding, but we have to open and willing to do it in order to see that amazing change. You got this!
